Starting out writing a story, opinions on what I've written so far?
Graham stood observing his surroundings. Blaring music and raised voices, the atmosphere here was not to Graham's taste. He remained however, in the shadows, as he scanned the club. It was as he expected, run-down, with it's tacky furniture and failing, almost incomprehensible LED signs and other miscellaneous items dotted around the place. The slight stench of piss and damp was not helping. The bar was no better, but he began to feel watched and did not desire to raise suspicion, so he approached the bar and casually leant against it. The sneaking suspicion he was being watched, however, did not fade. He turned his head to a table situated close by and took note of three men seemingly lost in chatter. Graham was not fooled, noticing their continuous glances in his direction. He continued to watch them whilst sipping the beer he had just ordered. He did not recognise any of them. Not that he expected to; he was new to town. He suddenly locked eyes with the youngest of the three, a tan-skinned teenager, whom nervously broke eye contact instantly. Adjusting his glasses with a bemused look on his face, Graham got up off his seat. Walking towards the table occupied by these strangers. As soon as he reached the table, he was addressed by the shady-looking man, 'You here for Nick?' he grunted, Graham barely heard him over the music and gave a slight nod. In response to this, the man shrugged and looked to the others and back to Graham. “Come outside,” he bellowed as he rose off his seat. Graham followed suit, but his path was now blocked by four men sporting pool clubs. The leader of the pack stood drunkenly observing Graham while his companions leered in his direction. “I've heard 'bout you...” he slurred, “You ain't got no business around here.” The sound of Graham's footsteps filled an otherwise deserted street. The atmosphere here was preferred and he took the time to ponder the possibilities that lay ahead.
Be as honest as you like.
Be as honest as you like.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
You need a better hook. If you can...hook me with the first sentence.
Example: Was he being tailed? Watched? Graham couldn't decide. He stood in the night shadows of an alley, trying to appear invisible. But he knew he wasn't...not to a bad man on the run. Men like Graham had to be prepared to face losers in the most disreputable places. He was used to danger. But these kind of joints were too plentiful nowadays...a breeding den for criminals and those running from the law, and he stood in the middle of it.
Loud music blared suddenly above raised voices near the club. Graham stared at the window to the left of a steal door that led inside. Warped ply board covered the window with black painted letters that boldly stated...Beware or Die! Faded LCD signs and a few broken chairs outside the place lent it the kind of atmosphere that lacked any kind of class. Graham wrinkled his nose. The stench of piss and rot permeating the air only confirmed his suspicions. His prey was here...somewhere...because this was exactly the kind of dump the loser he'd been hunting down the last few days would hide.
Graham stretched his neck then zipped up his leather jacket. It wouldn't do to show any of the low life's inside the bar that he carried iron. He had no death wish. "You're mine, buddy," he whispered. Taking a deep breath, he lowered his head and slumped his shoulders, shoved his hands in his pant pockets, and walked out of the alley.
Keep in mind that you're not supposed to be telling me your story. You're supposed to be showing me your story as it happens. There's a big difference. You've got good vision. I like that. Your description is nice. Get your story told, but try not to repeat yourself. All great stories have forward movement. You can't stop that forward movement with redundant words or your story slows down. Break up some of your sentences. And put whatever you can (when he deals with those in the bar) into dialogue. It will make your story stronger.
I want to read a story that feels like it's happening in the moment.
Questions:
1. What does a shady looking man look like? Don't tell me. Show me.
2. What told him the teenager he saw in the bar was nervous. Was the teenager doing something that showed Graham he was nervous?
3. Do men chatter? Make certain the verbs you choose fit the characters you are creating.
4. Watch for clichés. Graham followed suit? Think of another way to say that with a better verb. How about? Graham rose but was blocked by four muscle men holding pool clubs. And what about 'leader of the pack'? Big cliche that doesn't work here if you want it to be more professional.
5. Graham barely heard him over the music? Would it be better for Graham to do something here (cup an ear, tilt his head) to show him he was struggling to hear over the music?
6. Whilst sipping a beer? Your vocabulary needs to fit the characters and the scenes you are creating in your story. Whilst does not work.
Every time you change dialogue...you should be starting a new paragraph. That's a must. It is too difficult to read without paragraphs. So you need to do get in the habit of doing it.
All stories need to have a flow. Again, you are doing far more telling. Showing involves the reader as the story unfolds. I tried to give you a quick example.
Good luck and keep writing. That's the only way to get better. It sounds like you've got a fun story. But like anything...it's all in the way you tell it.
Example: Was he being tailed? Watched? Graham couldn't decide. He stood in the night shadows of an alley, trying to appear invisible. But he knew he wasn't...not to a bad man on the run. Men like Graham had to be prepared to face losers in the most disreputable places. He was used to danger. But these kind of joints were too plentiful nowadays...a breeding den for criminals and those running from the law, and he stood in the middle of it.
Loud music blared suddenly above raised voices near the club. Graham stared at the window to the left of a steal door that led inside. Warped ply board covered the window with black painted letters that boldly stated...Beware or Die! Faded LCD signs and a few broken chairs outside the place lent it the kind of atmosphere that lacked any kind of class. Graham wrinkled his nose. The stench of piss and rot permeating the air only confirmed his suspicions. His prey was here...somewhere...because this was exactly the kind of dump the loser he'd been hunting down the last few days would hide.
Graham stretched his neck then zipped up his leather jacket. It wouldn't do to show any of the low life's inside the bar that he carried iron. He had no death wish. "You're mine, buddy," he whispered. Taking a deep breath, he lowered his head and slumped his shoulders, shoved his hands in his pant pockets, and walked out of the alley.
Keep in mind that you're not supposed to be telling me your story. You're supposed to be showing me your story as it happens. There's a big difference. You've got good vision. I like that. Your description is nice. Get your story told, but try not to repeat yourself. All great stories have forward movement. You can't stop that forward movement with redundant words or your story slows down. Break up some of your sentences. And put whatever you can (when he deals with those in the bar) into dialogue. It will make your story stronger.
I want to read a story that feels like it's happening in the moment.
Questions:
1. What does a shady looking man look like? Don't tell me. Show me.
2. What told him the teenager he saw in the bar was nervous. Was the teenager doing something that showed Graham he was nervous?
3. Do men chatter? Make certain the verbs you choose fit the characters you are creating.
4. Watch for clichés. Graham followed suit? Think of another way to say that with a better verb. How about? Graham rose but was blocked by four muscle men holding pool clubs. And what about 'leader of the pack'? Big cliche that doesn't work here if you want it to be more professional.
5. Graham barely heard him over the music? Would it be better for Graham to do something here (cup an ear, tilt his head) to show him he was struggling to hear over the music?
6. Whilst sipping a beer? Your vocabulary needs to fit the characters and the scenes you are creating in your story. Whilst does not work.
Every time you change dialogue...you should be starting a new paragraph. That's a must. It is too difficult to read without paragraphs. So you need to do get in the habit of doing it.
All stories need to have a flow. Again, you are doing far more telling. Showing involves the reader as the story unfolds. I tried to give you a quick example.
Good luck and keep writing. That's the only way to get better. It sounds like you've got a fun story. But like anything...it's all in the way you tell it.
No comments:
Post a Comment